Thursday, Jul 23rd, 2009 ↓

Famous celebrity activist: G20 “an inside job”

Dabney Hoffman (our “comic Prometheus”) was brought to life when two high school students somehow combined a character actor from the 1980s named Dabney Coleman (Tootsie, The Muppets Take Manhattan) and 1960s stand-up comic Abbie Hoffman (The Chicago Seven) using their home computer. After this experiment proved to be a success, the two went on to build the perfect girlfriend — as seen in the 1985 John Hughes documentary Weird Science.

When my agent Gary Kessler suggested I accept a position as contributing editor of G-20 Bed & Breakfast, I thought “finally… some WASP money.” As you know, the age of big ticket book contracts is over, and it’s really only as a “content provider” for lame-ass “lifestyle blogs” that  a ganef such as myself can milk some shekels out of The Man while still fighting the good fight, as it were. But, alas, my trip to Pittsburgh was not the windfall I had expected. It turns out that this site is not actually owned by Conde Nast. In reality, it’s little more than a practical joke run by a bunch of vaguely anarchist Moe Howard wannabes with a “borrowed” credit card and a domain name. Don’t think I’ll be writing any more for these schmucks until the check clears!

But Pittsburgh itself? What city! I have to say, its reputation as a haven for political refugees, artists, and cultural rebels is well-deserved. While in town I drank some beers, met some cute punk girls, and otherwise had a ball. In fact, on my last night in town Kumar (Kumar Prejean, the B&B’s resident coffee expert) and the gang took me up to Mount Washington. We listened to music, danced, and by 5 am — under the influence of some of that primo Free Trade Mondo Bongo — we’d figured it all out. 

“It” of course being: “Why Pittsburgh? Why G20?”

The answer?  It’s obvious.

IT’S AN INSIDE JOB.  OBAMA CHOSE PITTSBURGH BECAUSE HE’S SECRETLY ONE OF US.

Of course, POTUS is under deep cover, and he can never show his true colors. But somewhere, under that suit, and deep within the heart of that former University of Chicago Law School professor, lay the man who once told Rolling Stone magazine that “I did drugs and drank and partied. But I got all my ya-yas out.” Of course, our man is actually under triple-deep cover. He’s, like, a Manchurian President or something. In fact, he may be in so deep that his true intentions never fully come to the surface.

Seriously, dude. All of this is a drama played out in the sub-conscious. He thinks he’s making pragmatic decisions, whether upping the ante in Afghanistan, forgetting his promise to advocate for gay rights, dragging his feet regarding America’s torture programs, etc., when in fact, he’s sowing the seeds of the downfall of the US government itself.

Of course that’s it! Obama’s first act as the Super Secret Reverse Anarchist-in-Chief, then, was handing the G20 over to the people of Pittsburgh. In a few short weeks the City of Champions will be home to nothing less than the 2009 World Series of Protest. And it’s gonna be one hell of a game.

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Dabs turned in this column about a week ago, under extreme emotional duress (long story). When I was finally able to reach him this morning fo corrections, he refused to believe that he had written the above. “Really?” he asked. “What’s in that Mondo Bongo anyways? I mean, Obama as a secret anarchist? What bullshit!”