G20 Bed & Breakfast: Pittsburgh

Pens fans, radical Maoists in failed coup attempt

Maoists and Pitt students set the world on fire.
by sports desk editor Hans Siebring

News has come out of the Pittsburgh Police Department today of an attempt to take over key parts of the city by a coalition of radical Maoist revolutionaries and young Pittsburgh sports fans led by Alan Kowalski of Crafton. A cub reporter for G20 Bed & Breakfast was able to contact him on the social networking website Facebook this morning.

“It’s really a no-brainer,” he said. “As the Chairman Mao wrote in one of his books — I think it was The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Revolutionaries — the instinctual response to a sports victory is the same as the instinctual outrage one feels when the capitalists rape, plunder, and pillage the people. In the end, we all want to ‘fuck shit up,’ as it were. Where you see the under-educated scions of the American middle class, we see hundreds and thousands of young people with an imperative towards frivolous destruction. We will use this imperative to forge a true People’s revolution.”

Kowalksi continued: “underneath it all, thugs are pretty much all the same.”

When asked if his group had any plans for the upcoming G20 meeting in Pittsburgh, our favorite Maoist responded: “You bet! This will be the Stanley Cup of American protest! We plan on using this opportunity to make London look like Pee Wee Hockey.”

“But what’s the point in that?” this reporter asked, incredulous. “Anti-globalization protests in the past have been portrayed by the media as violent and ineffectual because a few bullshit incidents have overshadowed the real message: that large, multinational corporations are in collusion with the G20 economies to squeeze every last penny from the rest of the world. Regular people, if they understood this and how it effected them, they would be outraged. This summit coming to Pittsburgh is a wonderful opportunity to reach out and find common ground with folks all over the city and all over the country — people who, if they don’t totally agree with you, would be willing to work with you. But if you and your thug friends just go in there and break bank windows you’re only going to alienate yourselves and the opportunity will be lost.”

Kowalksi responded: “Now who’s the one being naive?”

DEVELOPING…